Cursed (2004)

Summary

A silly teen horror comedy that presents turning into a werewolf as a slightly messy but very effective form of therapy. After being bitten, brother and sister Jake and Ellie learn how to stand up to school bullies (Jake), to be more assertive in relationships (Ellie), and to style their hair (both). There are way too many pointless cameos and a disappointing lack of blood, but it was fun in fluffy kind of way.

Barbara's Rant

Oh, Wes Craven. On the one hand, it was such a relief to see a movie with no annoying intellectual pretensions (I'm looking at you, Boogeyman). I knew I could count you to give me a straightforward werewolf movie. On the other hand, Wes, remember when you were edgy? Remember The Hills Have Eyes? The Last House on the Left? You can have pretty teens (Johnny Depp, yum) and have lots of blood and intensity, just look at A Nightmare on Elm Street! Remember the blood, in the bed? And that tongue through the telephone? That always makes me shiver no matter how many times I see it. Because this movie, Wes, this is... safe. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't bad; in fact, it was a pretty good time. Ok, I admit it was pretty funny when Scott Baio heroically pulled that woman out of the werewolf's path, and I laughed when Ellie licked the blood from Craig Kilborne's finger. But is that a substitute for, you know, horror? You do know that aside from a few transformation scenes and a half-second disembowelment shot, you filmed a stupid teen comedy, right? I guess I shouldn't be surprised after all the Scream nonsense, but is this what Hollywood does to people?

Ahem. Anyway, I'm sure Wes Craven will be reading that and giving me some answers any time now, so I'll just move on.

How cute was that coming out scene between Jake and Bo? Jake - "No, you don't understand, I'm cursed!" Bo - "Yes, it feels that way, doesn't it?" Jake - "No, I'm not gay, I'm a werewolf!" Too funny. I was glad that the newly out-of-the-closet Bo was spared having to deal with becoming a werewolf on top of the whole gay thing. Sure, he was a jerk, but in a single day he got beat up by the school geek, smacked around by a werewolf and rejected by his crush, plus then he had to explain all this to his girlfriend. And how is that going to work next Monday at school? Jake is going to lose his werewolf-given ability to style his hair and dress out of the Abercrombie & Fitch catalog, plus he's going to have some explaining to do when the wrestling team wants to know why he can't do the meet next week.

Also, as cool as those props were, I really don't think that silly movie-themed club would ever be much of a money-maker, even if it hadn't been destroyed by a werewolf. It must have cost a fortune just to create that silly mirror maze, let alone the Western room and the Wolf-man model. It seems that becoming a werewolf gives you sex appeal and good hair but not business savvy.

I did learn that I really should have registered for the $300 silver cake server when I got married. We don't have a thing in the house to fend off an attacking werewolf, unless you count a pair of horribly tarnished cream and sugar bowls, and even those are borrowed. Do you suppose the tarnish diminishes the power of the silver? If so, it's a good thing that Ellie and Jake found the time to polish that cake server weekly. At least, I assume they did, since it was incredibly bright despite being carelessly thrown in a drawer with the knives. It must have been given to their (now deceased) parents as a wedding present (since I can't imagine either of them doing any formal entertaining). I can picture Ellie, coming home after a long day of coddling Craig Kilborne, sadly sitting at the kitchen table with a jar of polish and a chamois, or Jake staying up late with a horror comic in one hand and the polish in the other. So sad. Perhaps now that the cake server has saved the day, going far beyond its normal call of duty, they can find some less tedious way of honoring their parents' memory.

BARBARA MAY

What do you think? Talk back here!
Post a Comment []