Deranged (1974)
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Posted 2008-07-31

Inspired (like so many other movies) by the story of notorious serial killer Ed Gein, Deranged is the story of mild-mannered maniac Ezra Cobb. After devoting the better part of his life to the care of this mother, Ezra finds himself unable to cope with his loneliness after her death. In spite of the best efforts of his incomprehensibly supportive neighbors, Harlan and Jenny Kootz, to console him, Ezra misses his mother so much that he digs up her corpse. Like all year-old corpses she could use a little repair work, so Ezra seeks out some other corpses for spare parts.

When the well-meaning but apparently abysmally stupid Kootzes set Ezra up on a date, he makes the jump from grave-robbing to murder. For some reason no one suspects him of this murder (Why suspect the grumpy loner who was the last person seen with the dead woman?) so he keeps at it. For a while he's surprisingly successful for someone who is making essentially no effort to cover his tracks.

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God Told Me To (1976)
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Posted 2008-07-31

An average man guns down strangers on a busy New York street. A loving father slaughters his entire family in cold blood. A New York City cop opens fire in the middle of the St. Patrick's Day parade. "God told me to," they all say (or whisper pathetically, or groan dramatically), by way of explanation, "God told me to." When Detective Peter Nicholas, devout Christian / conflicted divorce, investigates, his search leads him deep into his own past. Also to a glowing androgyne who lives in a boiler room. Whether or not any of this has anything whatsoever to do with God I leave it to you to decide. OK, I'll give you a hint - I may not know squat about God, but I'm pretty sure it has nothing to do with this nonsense.

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Circus of Fear (1966)
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Posted 2008-07-31

A very prolonged opening heist scene leads, in some confusing fashion, to a dead criminal and a missing suitcase full of money at the winter quarters for Barberini's Circus. While several police detectives attempt to locate the missing loot, a motley assortment of circus performers skulk about, blackmailing, fighting, seducing, and attempting to kill each other. Several implausibly interwoven subplots later, the police use an ill-conceived ruse to unmask the true criminal.

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Skeleton Key (2006)
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Posted 2008-07-06

After an introduction to a goofy little framing story about a spastic man who is sitting in his bathroom and watching Skeleton Key along with us, we meet our hero, Howard.

Howard is a young, down-on-his-luck reporter who works for a newspaper that operates out of a pizza parlor owned by a revolting man who resembles Penn Jilette. Accompanied by his trusty sidekick / photographer, Cornelius, Howard alternately investigates stories like two-headed goats and gets berated by his oafish boss.

On the tail of a hot story, Howard and Cornelius hitch a ride with Nicopernicus, a nutty Haitian cab driver, to the town of Nilbog (Goblin spelled backwards, for those of you fortunate enough not have seen the movie Troll 2.) The town is infested with zombies and our heroes spend much of the rest of the movie running in and out of various houses more or less at random. They encounter various ridiculous characters who are perhaps meant to whimsical or surreal but are mostly just pointless. They also pick up a group of human survivors dressed for a Halloween party.

Eventually, after most of the people they picked up along the way have been killed by zombies or a mad scientist, out heroes escape from Nilbog and return to the pizza parlor to make their report.

Then there's actually a pretty funny and surprising plot twist that I won't give away, which I liked so much that I was almost tempted to overlook the nonsensical plot and irritating characters and tell you all to see this movie. Then I remembered that it seems to harbor a deep fear of women (what with the penis biting and the attractive woman transforming into an oozing hag) and something of a bias against homosexuals (what with the man dressed in a tutu, smacking people in the face with a giant dildo and the beautiful woman turning into Satan while in the act of giving Howard felattio), so I stuck with "Skip it!"

If you must watch this movie, at least watch it with a friend, so you have someone to with whom to gasp at the sheer grotesquery of it all. I tried to watch it by myself and found it virtually impossible.

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Watch Me (2006)
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Posted 2008-07-06

Don't open unexpected email attachments. Most of us already know that, of course, but most of us are afraid of viruses, not avenging specters from beyond the grave.

In this case, though, the threat comes from a bedraggled, waterlogged Asian-style ghost with Bozo-red hair, garish fingernails, and a really bad case of prune fingers. She shows up whenever anyone watches a file called, appropriately enough, "Watch Me" (I was hoping for more Alice in Wonderland references.) kills whoever watched the movie, and sews their eyes shut.

When the file is forwarded to a young film student named Tess after the deaths of her best friend and her roommate, the detectives on the case aren't much help. One of them swiftly turns up dead and the other is alternately smarmy and sulky. In desperation, Tess turns to Taku, local pervert and purveyor of rare pornography. This turns out to be a really bad move, but it all works out in the end and the pair set out together to solve the mystery and save innocent lives. They do eventually figure some stuff out and speculate wildly about other stuff, but whether any lives are saved by their efforts is highly doubtful.

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Stay Alive (2006)
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Posted 2008-07-06

After the violent death of one of their friends, a group of avid gamers find themselves in possession of a beta version of a new video game called, with stunning lack of imagination, Stay Alive. It actually looks like a pretty fun game, set in a spooky old house and based on an urban legend about a scary witch. Of course, the urban legend turns out to be true, the house actually exists, and our intrepid gamers (plus one idiotic detective) are in very real and immediate danger.

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The Keeper (2004)
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Posted 2008-07-06

Dennis Hopper is a police lieutenant. In his spare time he puts on an anti-drug puppet show for local school children. And he spends his evenings chatting amicably with the woman that he keeps caged in his basement.

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Frankensteins Bloody Nightmare (2006)
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Posted 2007-05-10

I don't normally do this, but I understood so little of this movie that I'm going to start with the director's description of the action.

"Brilliant young Victor Karlstein finds himself lost in an abyss of personal turmoil and professional stress after the woman he most likely seemed to love dies while under the care of his own mysterious medical facility. Determined to keep her alive, Victor uses his mechanically-enhanced reanimated corpse to murder young women in order to furnish "raw parts" for her new body, among other devious things."

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Cool Air (1999)
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Posted 2007-05-10

Lurker Films' "Cool Air" collection is certainly the most faithful set if Lovecraft adaptations I've ever seen, which is both a good thing and a bad thing. The feature film is, of course, Cool Air, based on the Lovecraft story of the same name. The DVD also includes four shorts, three of which are based directly on Lovecraft stories (The Hound, Nyarlathotep, and Herbert West: Reanimator, renamed "An Imperfect Solution" for this adaptation.) The fourth, The Hapless Antiquarian is a fun little comedic short inspired by Edward Gorey.

In Cool Air, impoverished writer Randolph Carter discovers some disturbing truths about death and the power of will through his relationship with the strange and reclusive Dr. Muñoz. In The Hound graverobbers learn the hard way why you shouldn't steal ancient amulets from cursed graves. Nyarlathotep is mostly mood, true to the original, but what plot there is involved an ancient Egyptian deity driving men mad. And An Imperfect Solution is really just one chapter of the Herbert West story, and if you don't already know that it involves loathsome experiments and reanimated corpses you should probably just go check out what's on cuteoverload today and not worry about it.

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Dead at the Box Office (2005)
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Posted 2007-03-18

After WWII (helpfully summarized during the opening credits for the benefit people who were under the impression that Hitler was a brand of dog food), a high-ranking Nazi scientist escapes to use his work in hypnosis and mind control to turn upstanding Americans into goosestepping automatons. Of course this fails miserably, but before he's captured he hides his mind control film in the ceiling of a projection room. Apparently very little maintenance goes on in that theater since the film is undisturbed for 50 years, until....

The film is found and stupidly shown before a midnight showing of Night of the Living Dead. The audience turns into zombies, Homeland Security locks down the theater, and the few survivors are trapped in the grand tradition (of course) of Night of the Living Dead. Unfortunately, the tone is either way too goofy or way too serious, take your pick. Either way, it doesn't work.

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Messiah of Evil (1973)
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Posted 2007-03-18

The willowy and oddly named Arletty travels to a remote coastal town to visit her father, a reclusive artist. When she arrives, she finds that he's covered just about every interior surface of his house with slightly creepy life-sized paintings of various townsfolk, who turn out to be no less odd and creepy in person. Instead of hightailing it out of there she sticks around to investigate, leading to an alliance of sorts with wealthy gad-about Thom, who is wandering around the county accompanied by a pair of buxom groupies. They discover a legend involving the titular messiah, whose return is causing the townsfolk to transform into flesh-hungry undead ghouls eagerly awaiting his reign of madness and evil. I think. It got a little unclear towards the end there.

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Drawing Blood (2005)
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Posted 2007-03-18

An insane serial killer escapes from his asylum and returns to the house where he was tormented by Robert Z'Dar as a young child. He lurks in the basement, killing everyone unfortunate enough to wander down the stairs - an appliance repairman, several drug addicts, a couple of nosy neighbors, and so forth. Meanwhile, Chief of Police Joe Estevez dispatches a pair of detectives to recapture the killer. They spend their time griping at each other, berating Robert Z'Dar, and stealing photos of Joe Estevez's dog. Eventually George, the man who actually owns the house (though you wouldn't know it, since he never locks the door), figures out that something is amiss.

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Hannibal Rising (2007)
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Posted 2007-03-01

The young boy Hannibal Lecter, along with his beloved little sister Misha, was raised the pampered child of Lithuania nobility. As World War II sweeps across the continent, the family takes refuge in an isolated chalet, but they are quickly overtaken by the conflict. Hannibal and Misha watch their parents killed in a clash between German planes and a Russian tank, leaving Hannibal to care for his little sister as best he can. When their little chalet is invaded by renegade soldiers, however, Hannibal, only eight years old, is unable to withstand them. The soldiers chain up the children and take over the chalet.

As the winter wears on and supplies of food run out, the soldiers, grinning maniacally like witches in a fairy tale, once again begin to take notice of the plump little children cowering at the top of the stairs ...

Years later, teenage Hannibal is united with this last living relative, an aunt by marriage, Lady Murasaki. His aunt cares for him, gives him a home, instructs him in the martial arts. But all of her love cannot purge him of the memory of his childhood pain and Hannibal sets out to avenge the sister he could not protect.

In pretense, an exploration of the ghastly series of events that turned an innocent child into the remorseless, inhuman monster that we all know as Hannibal Lecter.

In actuality, a typical revenge killing flick, with little more depth than, say, Friday the 13th or Cherry Falls.

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Fear of Clowns (2004)
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Posted 2007-03-01

Lynn Blodgett's life is going great. She's a successful artist. She exhibits in the most prestigious gallery in Baltimore (which sometimes bears a suspicious resemblance to the framing department at Michael's.) Her exhibit, "Clowns," draws unprecedented crowds after her assistant posts an announcement on www.ihateclowns.com (which actually does exist, by the way; I checked) in spite of the fact that I only saw maybe four or five paintings which were actually of clowns. She even meets a dashing young art-loving roller coaster designer named Tuck at the show.

Then her soon-to-be-ex-husband shows up at the gallery and her life takes a turn for the worse. Her husband wants sole custody of their son and child support and, since Lynn has the worst divorce lawyer in the history of the world, he might even get it. To make things worse, Tuck seems to be more obsessive stalker than Prince Charming. And, the final straw, she's being followed by a shirtless, bald, muscular clown with a battleaxe.

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Dolls (1987)
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Posted 2007-03-01

Overtaken by a violent rainstorm while on the world's most ill-conceived family vacation (But then, do people in horror movies ever go on well-conceived family vacations?), David Bower, his wife Rosemary, and his young daughter Judy seek shelter in a nearby creepy old mansion. (People in horror movies also never experience car trouble or inclement weather near neat, non-threatening, suburban row houses.) David and Rosemary being among the most selfish, awful people ever, they naturally don't get along with the owners of the house, an odd elderly couple named Gabriel and Hilary Hartwicke. Precocious little Judy, on the other hand, quickly makes friends with the old folks, who turn out to be accomplished and extremely prolific toymakers.

The storm next chases a pair of exaggeratedly punk, overly sexual hitchhikers named Enid and Isabel into the mansion, accompanied by a kindly but bumbling young man named Ralph. Enid and Isabel are abysmally rude and greedy, but Ralph is sweet in a goofy, childlike sort of way. Gabriel takes Ralph and Judy on a tour of the mansion so they can exclaim with delight over the thousands of dolls and chat about how fabulous toys are and how awful it is that most adults have forgotten the simple joys of childhood.

Then everyone heads off to bed, except that Enid and Isabel decide to steal some stuff from Gabriel and Hilary, Judy decides she needs a glass of water, and all the dolls decide to come to life and beat the crap out of all the awful people.

The ending is actually surprisingly heartwarming.

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It's My Party... And I'll Die If I Want To (2005)
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Posted 2007-02-11

Vapid Girl dumps Crazy Boyfriend and then skips town to go stay with a friend. Said friend decides that the way to cheer up Vapid Girl is to invite a bunch of people over, none of whom VG knows and all of whom have some kind of mad drama going on. Vapid Girl hooks up with Rebound Boy, Crazy Boyfriend crashes the party, the drama friends yell at each other and cry, leading to a conclusion that's only shocking because there are far too many people left alive.

In spite of its fun kitschy-horror title, this movie is not at all kitschy and barely qualifies as horror. It's five parts relationship drama to two parts arty camera work to one part death and mayhem. If that sounds tedious to watch, it is, and that's not even taking into account the misleading editing and bizarrely intrusive soundtrack. Although "soundtrack" doesn't exactly describe it, since this is ostensibly a musical, which means that the actors periodically interrupt their squabbling to awkwardly lip-sync to an assortment of pop hits. A similar selection of pop hits is also used for montages, background score, and music actually in the scene, the effect of which is both confusing and intrusive. On the plus side there's some nice highly shadowed noir-ish shots which make good use of the black and white, but it doesn't really matter since even if you wanted to find a copy of this movie, the blatantly illegal soundtrack ensures that it will never, ever be released on DVD.

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Rigor Mortis (2005)
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Posted 2007-02-08

A serial killer's victims come back as zombies to wreak their revenge.

(Short summary, I know, but the movie is only about seven minutes long. If you have a very small amount of free time and want to check it out, you can watch it online.)

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The Yellow Sign (2001)
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Posted 2007-01-30

Considering Tess Reardon's evident lack of poise and confidence and her business partner's abrasive manner, it's no wonder that their art gallery appears to be struggling. Tess's plan to turn things around is to follow hints from a recurring dream to the studio of reclusive artist Aubrey Scott. To Tess's delight, Aubrey agrees to do a show at her gallery, on the condition that she agrees to pose for his next work. Hesitant and slightly fearful, but eager to seal the deal, Tess agrees.

But she finds herself unable to keep her mind on her modeling. Staring at Aubrey's other paintings while he beguiles her with tales of far-off tribes and ancient rituals, Tess begins to perceive an image that transcends mere paint on canvas, transcends even the vague mythical transformative power that we so often attribute to great art. As Aubrey's painting nears completion while Tess delves further into the bizarre world of her dreams, will she perceive the truth in time to save herself?

The DVD this movie comes on (The Weird Tale Collection Volume 1, which I hope suggests future volumes) also includes two very short films - Tupilak and The King in Yellow - which I don't think I'll ever get around to writing about individually and I don't think they'll ever be available apart from this DVD collection, so I'll just briefly mention them here. Considering that the three movies were made by different people and even in different countries, they make for a remarkably cohesive collection. All three films are of relatively equal quality (very enjoyable but not earth-shattering) and all three strive for a similar brand of indistinct, unsettling, atmospheric horror. Plus, of course, all three are based on the works of Robert W. Chambers, that being the premise of the collection.

Tupilak is a charming little tale of madness in the mountains, while The King in Yellow is an odd little cyclical romp that starts and ends in just the sort of mystical bookshop that I've been seeking and fearing all my life. I recommend both shorts as enjoyable ways to wile away the five to ten minutes while you wait for your pasta water to boil. Or whatever.

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Evil Behind You (2006)
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Posted 2007-01-30

We begin by watching an old filmstrip from the 1950's. A classic stolid, dry scientist lectures on the existence of another dimension parallel to our own. The graying hair at his temples and his clean white lab coat inspire confidence, but a hint of madness seems to lurk in the eyes masked by his big black glasses. We are given to understand that this enigmatic man disappeared under mysterious circumstances in 1952. When we learn that he has recently injected himself with a new serum he created to allow himself to see the beings that inhabit this alternate dimension, fascinating questions leap to the fore. How does death relate to this other dimension and how can we explain these things in the context of our own mysterious brains?

Unfortunately, after this auspicious beginning, the movie deteriorates rapidly.

Jump cut to the present day where we meet Lisa and Debra and their respective boyfriend and husband (respectively), David and Tony. They are locked in a grungy room, unable to remember how they got there and the two men, who have both apparently had recent ear surgery, are handcuffed to their beds. They react remarkably calmly to their captivity, and sit around squabbling pointlessly and having explanatory flashbacks for a while. Then the men flip out about invisible beings they perceive in the room, which are extremely cold, smell really bad, and want to kill everyone.

Then their captors put in an appearance and things go from bad to worse.

Their captors turn out to be bad stereotypes of Middle-Eastern terrorists with truly abysmal fake accents who have some sort of biowarfare plan which they can't put into effect until they have an effective antidote for themselves. Towards this end they have kidnapped a kindly Christian doctor (who happens to be the son of the 50's scientist I liked so much in the opening sequence) and his young son, whom they are using as a hostage to force his father to work for them. The remainder of the movie hints at the heavenly rewards that await those who practice Christian charity and forgiveness, but mostly emphasizes the hideous fate in store for those deluded individuals who have not embraced Christianity at the hands of nasty, skeletal, translucent demons.

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LovecraCked! The Movie (2006)
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Posted 2007-01-30

In short, a painfully bad, painfully unfunny, just plain painful indie anthology. To be avoided at all costs.

The framing story involves the world's most annoying investigative journalist doing his very worst Monty Python imitation. He's ostensibly delving into the myth surrounding the life of H.P. Lovecraft, which leads us into a series of totally unrelated short films hammered together to form a movie. The only decent segments were a couple of British shorts made by entirely different group of filmmakers, who really should have thought twice before agreeing to be associated with this mess. The rest is unfunny, tedious, and gross (annoying gross, not fun gross), and that's not even counting the ZOMBIE PORN which showed up without warning with actual people having actual sex, which I did not sign up for, thank you very much.

Or to put it another way, if you really love Troma movies but you think they're way too high-brow and sophisticated, this is totally the movie for you.

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